A look back

I started this post months ago and have been hesitant to share.  I don't ever want to come across as someone who claims to have figured out the magnificent and mysterious plan of God.  He knows all and sees all and has a plan that involves all of eternity.  I will never comprehend it and that makes me look at Him in awe.

But looking back on the 3 years that we waited for our daughter to arrive, I can see that God was preparing us. He used various circumstances to get us ready for her grand and sudden entrance into our family.  Check out one incident that happened about 5 months before she was born:

One afternoon in the spring, we received a phone call from our social worker.  A baby had been born who needed a home.  With very few details, we decided to move forward.  A conference call with our attorney and social workers was scheduled for 9 PM.

At this point, I was in shock.  In an effort to prepare and process what was happening, I pulled out some baby clothes and went to Target for diapers and formula.  I can't say that it helped much.  We were about to become parents again overnight!

The conference call lasted about 45 minutes.  After finding out more details about the situation, we were left feeling torn.  Our attorney's honest assessment of the situation revealed a high legal risk.  If we chose to adopt this baby, there was a chance that we would find ourselves in a custody battle.  There was a possibility that the baby could be taken from our home someday.  

How in the world were we supposed to make this decision overnight?  It seemed impossible.  Was this a time when we were supposed to take a leap of faith in spite of the lack of peace we were feeling?  Was this the baby that we had been waiting for?  Or was our lack of peace a sign that this was not the right baby for us?

It probably goes without saying that not much sleep was had that night.  The next morning, I spent some time out on our back porch praying.  I still did not feel at peace about the situation and neither did my husband.  I wanted to move forward.  I wanted to be able to feel confident about getting in the car and going to get that baby.  But I didn't.  

I called our social worker in tears and told her no.  It was horrible.  I second-guessed our decision.  How could I turn away from something that I had wanted for so long?  

But the bottom line was that neither of us felt a peace about the situation.  As days passed by, we eventually became more confident in the decision we had made.  

Fast forward 5 months...

We received a phone call about a baby that had been born who needed a home.

Dejavu, right?

We moved step by step through the situation, and 22 hours later brought our daughter home. 

I believe that God used the situation in the spring to prepare us for our daughter's arrival.   It was a sort of "dry run," so to speak.  There were details about our daughter's situation that made it clear that she was the one for us.  Details that gave us the courage to move forward into what God had for us.  

I am often reminded of the lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman:

"God is God and I am not.  We can only see a part of the picture He's painting."

It is cool to be able to look back and catch a glimpse of what He was weaving.  I know that there is SO MUCH MORE of the tapestry of my life and our daughter's life and her birth family's life that is hidden from me.  I don't know all of the whys and hows.  I am ok with that.  It is part of what makes God, GOD, right?

As a teenager, I spent a lot of time day-dreaming.   I imagined myself with the love of my life, settled, teaching piano, and living in the same place that I had lived most of my life.  I expected my life to be fairly predictable.

It has been everything but predictable...and hardly settled.

So much of my adult life has been spent in the in between:

In between schools

In between jobs

In between cities

In between states

In between singlehood and marriage

In between houses

In between churches…

...you get the picture.

I am a planner by nature and am NOT a fan of the in between.  I like to get organized.  For example, it is only Wednesday, and I am already itching to make plans for the weekend.  I want to do things today in order to make sure that the things I want to do or accomplish over the weekend actually happen the way I want them to.  But there are details about the future that I do not know; so I cannot make plans. 

I get so restless in the in between.  Anxious.  Frustrated.  Irritated. I seek any way in which I can move myself OUT of the in between.  Then I just get more frustrated because there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances.

So what is the alternative?

I have been thinking about Israel this week.  God had taken them out of their dark life in Egypt.  They were finally free from bondage.  And on top of their freedom, God had promised them a gorgeous place to live in.  But before they reached their paradise on earth, God put them in a place that was far from desirable.  Hot.  Dry.  Desolate.  Definitely not an in between that is pleasant to exist in.

But in this place of uncertainty and discomfort, the Israelites got to see and experience some really cool stuff!

A pillar of cloud that showed them the way

A pillar of fire to light their nights

Food that fell from the sky

Water rushing out of a rock

They got to experience God’s leadership, guidance, and provision.

As I live in this in between, I am keeping my eyes wide open.  I don’t want to miss how God may be revealing Himself to me.

There are days when I can literally feel my soul fighting with God.

I want another child now.

It feels like the right time.

I can name a dozen reasons why now would be a good time.

I know in my head that God has a plan.  I know that His ways are higher.  I know that He calls me to surrender my life to Him.

But I cannot… or will not… let go.

And when I cannot let go, I am miserable.  I feel panicky because there is nothing I can do to change the situation.  I am anxious.  I am depressed. 

I try to make our family grow.

I look at other options.

But right now, we believe that we are right where God wants us.

And sometimes I don’t like it.

Little by little, Jesus works on my heart.  He comforts me.  He makes me thankful.  He helps me loosen the grip on my life.  He reminds me that I “…see through a glass darkly…”  (I Cor. 13:12)  I cannot see the big picture.  I never will. 

When I start to let go…when I stop fighting…when I bring myself back under God’s authority…I can breathe again.  I regain focus.  Peace that passes all understanding returns.

We all have something on our life that we would like to change.  I dare say that no one on this earth is completely content with themselves, their relationships, or their circumstances.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and think that the hand we are dealt is so hard and so unique. 

But the truth is, even Jesus had to let go of His desires and surrender to His Father’s will.  Right before He went to the cross, we begged His heavenly Father to get Him out of this. 

“My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

Luke 22:42

May I desire the will of my Father above all else.