Wow, have I been enjoying life! It is summertime. The weather has been AMAZING here in East Tennessee! It has been sunny and breezy with just the right amount of humidity. We recently returned from a trip up north to visit my family. That part of the country has a reputation for being cool and dreary, but it was even beautiful up there! It feels incredible to be able to feel like a normal person again:
To be able to take the kids to the park.
To go to the mall.
To go for walks.
To enjoy food.
To serve other people.
To go to the pool.
To go to Dollywood.
To travel.
To learn new things.
To HAVE HAIR!
To exercise.
I am even enjoying MEAL PLANNING and COOKING!!
I am even allowing myself to dream again. Actually, I am allowing myself to dream bigger than I ever have before. Anything seems possible. Things that I used to view as barriers no longer seem insurmountable. I am a child of a BIG GOD who loves me and Who lives inside of me.
Mixed in with all this joy and zest for life, there are some dark and difficult emotions. Sometimes I catch myself really enjoying something, and I worry that I am feeling too happy. I am afraid that I am one scan away from my world being turned upside down again.
Certain places and things and conversations trigger memories of cancer. Yesterday, I dropped something off at a friend's house. The last time I was there was the day that I went to the oncologist for the first time. When I saw her house, I felt a rush of panic.
I will just come out and say it:
I am afraid that the cancer is going to come back.
I am afraid that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me, and I don't want to be the sick mom again! I don't want to miss out on doing things with my kids. I want to be able to continue to go and do and be all that I desire.
There has been this fight going on in my soul: a fight for joy and peace.
I have a scan coming up in 2 days. I have been quite nervous about it for weeks. I find myself grasping for things in which to find comfort. I tell myself that I must be well because I feel well. I tell myself that I am doing so many good things for my body that cancer can't possibly find a way to live inside me. I think about others who have had similar cancers who are doing great years after their diagnoses. I tell myself that if I have cancer, I will "buck up" and do whatever it takes to fight it again.
But ya know, all that self talk doesn't help too much. It doesn't completely drive out the fear.
"God has not given us the spirt of fear..."
Ok. So the fear is not of God. It is from the enemy of my soul: the one who is out to seek and destroy. The one who doesn't want me to happy or to proclaim God's goodness. I am in a spiritual battle and I am NOT ALONE.
"...but of power.."
God is not small. He is more than able to protect my body from disease. So I pray for good health. I pray for the ability to be a wife and mom. I pray for a stronger faith that the One Who created me has a perfect plan for my life and my husband's life and my children's lives. I pray for the courage to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray for freedom from the bondage of fear.
"...but of love."
God has given me a spirit of love, In the moments of intense fear, I close my eyes and picture myself holding as tightly as I can onto Jesus. I picture myself being held tightly in His grip. I think about how much He loves me, a love that I cannot comprehend. God's faithfulness and love have carried us through some overwhelmingly dark times. He has not changed. He never will change. He hasn't dropped us and He never will. Praise Him.