Depend on God...
Have you ever heard that phrase? If you have been a Christian for any length of time, I am sure that you have. What does it mean though? What does it look like to depend on God every moment of every single day? This is one of the many questions that I am sure I will continue to wrestle with until the day I see Jesus face to face.
Going through cancer brought on a level of weakness that I had never experienced before. Throughout the course of the 4 months I was doing chemo, I became extremely weak: physically and emotionally drained. Empty. I was anemic throughout the process and became out breath just walking around or bending over to get something. I remember having to give myself pep talks to get top out of bed to go eat dinner with my family. Getting dressed to go to the doctor was a huge task. One morning (probably more than 1), I was standing in front of the mirror and getting this sense that God was saying, "I am here. It's you and Me. We will do this together." I was so aware of His presence as I walked through procedures and tests and hospital stays. Those moments with Jesus are incredibly sweet. To feel His presence so near to me is what I long for every day.
My emotions were all over the place. For awhile, I was in shock, unable to process the whirlwind in which I was being carried. When it all started to hit me, the anxiety, sadness, and frustration were intense. Some of the medicines I was on made me even more emotionally volatile.
People would tell me how brave I was and how well I was handling everything. I will tell you this without a doubt in my heart:
IT WAS NOT ME
It wasn't Alyssa mustering up the courage or the smiles. It was Jesus alive in me. There was such a peace that came with the keen awareness of Jesus by my side.
Now that I am better, I have noticed a shift. I am starting to live life on my own, depending more on my own "strength" and not leaning on God as much.
I don't like it.
Even in wellness, I want to live emptied out of self and filled up with Jesus.
I am only kidding myself if I think I can live this life apart from God. I need God every, single second of every day. We all do! I need His grace in my marriage and in my parenting.
Wisdom as a parent.
Strength when I am worn.
Mercy and a stronger faith when I doubt.
We were meant to live abundant lives, but that is only going to happen when I recognize my shortcomings and my need for Jesus.
I am so thankful today for the healing that has taken place over the past year.
Lord, may we all be aware of our weaknesses and our desperate need for your daily presence.